My Anxiety Sometimes Makes Me Feel Like I’m Losing My Sense Of Self

The well-known American author Arthur Somers Roche said: “Anxiety is a thin stream of fear trickling through the mind. If encouraged, it cuts a channel into which all other thoughts are drained.” 

And he couldn’t be more right. Because I’ve felt what anxiety can do to your mind, body, and life.

Therefore, I’ll take the liberty of broadening this definition by saying that anxiety is not just a “thin stream of fear trickling through the mind,” but also a monster that lurks behind every thought, feeling, and action of mine.

Anxiety is like a huge burden that I’m trying my best to shake, but I never succeed. There are times when I manage to remove just a small part of its weight and before I know it, it all comes back stronger and more intense.

I am so tired of fighting with this monster. I am so tired of trying to be strong and control my anxious thoughts. I am so tired of pretending like everything is okay.

I’m tired of spending my days worrying that something bad might happen to me as soon as I leave my house and go out. I’m tired of doubting every decision I make and myself.

I’m tired of saying no to my friends when they ask me to go to parties with them because I fear I might say or do something wrong or stupid and embarrass myself.

I’m tired of creating all kinds of scenarios about the reasons why my fiancé hasn’t come home from work yet.

I’m tired of feeling overwhelmed, worried, afraid, and drained all the time.

I’m tired of battling with this sneaky monster, called anxiety, all the time.

And the hardest thing for me is that I’m not the only one who is suffering. My loved ones are facing this nightmare as well.

They all feel the emotional pain I’m struggling with – my parents, my friends, my fiancé.

My fiancé. The person who is the kindest and most compassionate and caring towards me. The person who is trying his best to understand how I’m feeling and what I’m going through.

And I can’t help but feel like I let him down every time my anxiety reaches its peak.

“Hey, darling, why don’t we go to the movies after we finish lunch,” he asked me the other day.

“I can’t.  I can’t,” I retorted. “I have so many things to do.”

“But honey, chores can wait. Plus, we haven’t been to the movies for months. It’d be a great way to have fun and relax. Okay?” He said.

I flew off the handle and raged at him: “No, I can’t because I have to clear the table and then clean the kitchen. Then I have to vacuum the carpets and iron a huge pile of clothes. Oh, and I also have to go to the supermarket because we are out of coffee. Ugh, damn it, I won’t be able to do all this today!” I sat on the sofa and started crying.

A couple of seconds passed before I felt his hands around me and heard him whisper to me: “It’s okay.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not angry at you. It’s just I feel so tired. I’m sick of doing everything and feeling like I can’t finish anything,” I said.

“But, you don’t have to do all this now. Leave some of the chores for tomorrow. They’re not going anywhere,” he said.

“That’s the problem, THEY’RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!” I retorted. “I’ll have to do them tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow, and…”

“Shh, it’s all right. I’ll clear the table and wash the dishes and you do the ironing. And then lay down a little bit and try to calm your anxiety. Breathe deeply and take as much time as you need to rest. And then if you still want to do the rest of the chores, I’ll help you with them, and if you don’t, we’ll leave them for tomorrow,” he said.

And that was it.

Have you ever found yourself in this situation before? Please, say yes so that I know I’m not alone.

You see, I’m tired of trying so hard to keep everything in order at home and worrying all the time that I won’t be able to do it.

But I’m also gradually learning, of course, with the help of my fiancé and parents, to control my anxious thoughts. I’m learning to ignore the unreasonable worries and fears that pop into my mind.

I’m learning how not to listen to my anxious thoughts and how to focus more on finding my sense of self.